The Autopilot Trap | Role Reversal Part 1

What Switching Roles Taught Me About Regenerative Leadership

I used to think I was doing everything right. I worked hard. I provided. I stayed focused on the future.

I filled the role I had seen modeled by the men around me growing up: the provider, the decision-maker, the career-focused one.

And for a while, I believed that was enough. What I didn't realize?

I was leading my life, my family, on autopilot. My energy was focused outward: growing income, hitting numbers, achieving. Meanwhile, there was an entire world of invisible labor unfolding inside our home, and I wasn’t truly seeing it.

The Beliefs We Don’t Know We Carry

I never consciously decided that household or family responsibilities weren’t mine. But looking back, I can now see how deeply I internalized the norms I inherited:

"If I'm bringing in most of the income, I don't need to be involved in everything else."

But that belief, left unchecked, wasn’t just passive. It was extractive. It leaned on the emotional and logistical labor of my partner without honoring or sharing in it.

That’s not leadership.

That’s legacy conditioning disguised as responsibility.

The Role Reversal That Changed Everything

Eventually, we flipped roles. She was now the one in the intense career seat, and I stepped into the home base, managing school drop-offs, errands, and the “in between” work that rarely shows up on calendars.

At first, it frustrated me. I felt invisible. I wondered if my work mattered now that I wasn’t the primary income earner. I wondered if my partner even recognized the work I was doing. I felt the sting of being unseen. At first, I was angry towards my partner, but then I knew exactly what she was going through. I knew from experience. It's often easier to relax by answering the late-night emails than it would be to leave them, feeling them lingering. I responded to the emails, knowing I'd be more present if I did than if I tried to ignore them. I was doing it for her : )

Then it hit me: I had become the version of her I never fully understood. And the truth landed hard.

The role didn’t matter. The awareness did.

Regenerative Leadership Starts with Self-Reflection

Living with SHAPE teaches that regeneration, true, lasting leadership, doesn’t come from performance, but from alignment and awareness.

It doesn’t just ask:

• “What do I need to produce?”

It asks:

• “What do I need to sustain?”

• “What needs to heal here?”

• “How can we grow without depletion?”

That’s when I saw how narrow my version of leadership had become. It was outcome-based, not relational. Driven, not conscious. And in the process, I had treated presence as optional, and contribution as transactional.

Seeing the System, Not Just the Role

That shift in perspective broke something open in me. I began to see the system, not just my role within it. I realized that being a leader in my home, at work, or in my life wasn’t about holding power. It was about creating space for reflection, for rest, for shared responsibility.

I didn’t need to become the hero. I needed to become a whole human and allow others to be, too.

From Performance to Partnership

There’s a line in regenerative psychology that says:

"Healing doesn't come from fixing others, but from returning to wholeness within ourselves."

That’s what this journey has been. A return. Not to who I thought I was supposed to be, but to who I’m becoming when I lead with curiosity, humility, and respect for the full picture.

Not just what’s visible. But what’s vital.

Living both roles didn't just change how I lead; it changed my perspective of leadership. The opportunity to step into the other role, to fully walk in my partner's old shoes, and see from the other side's perspective, is a gift and reminder I'll carry with me for life.